Jealousy

Definitions

As with many of relationship topics, a certain amount of attention to what we mean by particular words is helpful and often necessary when discussing jealousy.

It is important to distinguish jealousy from envy. To oversimplify, jealousy is angry, envy is wistful. Jealousy is destructive, envy rarely is.

Insecurity, as used below, just means a lack of security. It does not imply that the insecure person is bad, or good. It does not imply that the insecurity is warranted or unwarranted. It simply means that the person is not secure, either in themselves, their relationship, or what have you.

Jealousy is Insecurity

This is an important point. Feelings of jealousy always appear to stem from one's sense that something about their life is not secure, e.g., is uncertain or in danger.

Several readers have objected to this particular point because they believe that insecurity is necessarily pejorative. That's not what I mean by the word. (I'd love a better word, but I don't have one.) It could be that this lack of security is very well founded--that the partner is about to run off with 'the other woman'. Is it okay to be bothered by that? Of course it is.

In some cases, the insecurity is not founded on realistic dangers to the relationship. If that is really the case, then you (the jealous partner) may wish to consider where your insecurities are coming from. Solving those sorts of insecurities isn't easy, but until you do you'll continue to face those feelings.

Since we tend to become more secure in relationships as they become more stable with time, you may find that time is your ally in dealing with jealousy.

Don't Deny Jealousy, Deal with It

Okay, let's say you've found that you are jealous. It's not going to be easy, but what can you do to solve it?

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it (in the long term, that doesn't mean you have to display it at the moment you feel it.) Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

Instead, I would suggest asking yourself "What do I feel insecure about?" Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?

Once you've figured out what the core discomfort is, then it's appropriate to ask yourself if your fears are well-founded. If it is, perhaps talking to your partner about what you are afraid of and why you believe your fears are well-founded makes sense.

A different case is where you are pretty sure that your fears are unwarranted, but you just feel insecure (often about yourself more than the relationship) anyhow. That, in my experience, is a more difficult case, and it's hard to know precisely what to do about it, but I have been there, and part of what worked for me lies in the story behind the next item....

courtesy of Joe's secret Life